Today I read this quote on a friends FB page:
It got me thinking about who I am, who I have been, who I want to become. When I left LDS church more than a year ago now, I was worried that I would lose my values. I was worried I would somehow mess my kids up. I was worried not be able to teach my kids where I came from. In some ways, I am still searching hoping for some spiritual home. In other ways I have already found it.
In 2012, someone I love a lot went through a difficult situation. They were married and loved their spouse deeply, when they found out he had done something really horrible. At first they tried to stick with that person. They asked all of us to forgive and move forward. But I couldn't. I was angry. I was hurt. Forgiveness was something I would never grant. I was angry at this person for even asking me to forgive. I was cold. I was bitter. I said things that I'm sure were cutting.
Early 2013 was when my spiritual shelf had the first few rungs start to crumble. I almost didn't dare to share my feelings with anyone but Glenn. Even then I was kind of at war with myself. I reminded myself of this Rapunzel Clip. I was elated in some ways, and felt like a despicable human being in other ways.
I remember a lesson at church that someone talked about how people sometimes look at homeless people and don't want to help them because they don't deserve it. They did that to themselves. (I was that person. I thought they didn't deserve it, so I didn't give.) Then this person went on to talk about giving them love and kindness anyway-even if they didn't deserve it. He went on to compare it to Christ dying for us and atoning for our sins.
We didn't/don't deserve it and he did it anyway. It wasn't just for temple recommend holding people. It wasn't just for people deemed worthy enough, because they met some worthiness checklist. It is for ALL people. Even those who don't deserve it.
I realized I had been in a place where I deemed myself more worthy of atonement and forgiveness than others. Lots of others. I had been sure I was going to Heaven way more than others because I met the checklist more, and atonement only works if you do the checklist first.
Then I went through my faith crisis. It was painful. I started to realize that I was now that person deemed unworthy. I was now that person that people were going to Heaven way more than. I was not checking the boxes on their list. I was "Once Churched" like this blog mentions.
I have mentioned before, but I will say it again. When you leave the church, you go through a grieving process. I lashed out at people and they sometimes lashed right back. I can remember a certain instance where I felt like I was not being heard. I felt kind of attacked. I cried. That person I mentioned in the blog up above about 2012, they hugged me and told me it would be okay. They gave me love even though I had been cold to them. Even though I didn't deserve it. In giving me that love, my eyes were opened. I was able to see that horrible situation that had happened in a different way. I didn't forgive the person who hurt and I still don't. I forgave her though. I no longer felt like she was at fault. I realized that because I wasn't the one who had been in that situation, I couldn't know what it was like. I realized that it was not her fault and that she was a victim. It was a rock out of my backpack and a weight off of my chest.
