This is is my parent's dog Dukels with my Vivian. He has been a beloved soul in the Marchant house since around 2007. He has loved my kids (or at least let them love him ha) for their whole lives up to this point. He has been a running partner to my mom, and a console to my brother at times when human companionship just doesn't cut it. Duke is dying. My parents recently found out that their sweet boy has cancer. He isn't going to make it much longer. Soon my parents will be faced with the choice of putting down the dog they love so much, so that he won't have to live in suffering.
Duke is such a sweet old soul. He has a big personality. Thinking of Duke dying has made me think all kinds of thoughts. His body is dying, but I can still tell his soul ins't broken. As I thought I began to wonder where Duke's soul would be going next. Surely I believe he has a spirit. Does he go to person heaven or is there a dog heaven? And if there is dog heaven, does that mean that there is also other kinds of heaven? Is his soul still dog shaped or are all souls one shape? I guess I think that he is still dog shaped and that all souls go to the same heaven. Kind of like Earth, but hopefully better or else it won't be very heavenly. Especially if you get there before all the people you love best and are missing them. Then it would seem kind of Hellish.
After coming to that conclusion, I also began to think of other animals. Do all animals have a soul? And if not, where is the line drawn? The Disney Pocahontas believes that every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name. And if you spend some time deep in the mountains, there is definitely a majestic feeling there. Could she be onto something? As a child who grew up on a little 1 acre farm, I would for sure tell you that our animals had a soul. You could tell when you fed a baby cow their bottle. We used to Christmas carol to our cows every Christmas Eve, and you know what? I think they liked it. We also had chickens who clearly had personality. For awhile we had chickens that were allowed to roam the yard. There was one with no tail feathers that we called squeak. When we came outside with chicken feed and yelled "squeak" he would come running to eat from your hand. Eventually the chickens wound up where chickens wind up on a farm. I recall at dinner one time someone making the comment that we were eating squeak. My sister Becca was so upset that she wouldn't eat anymore. She has always had a strong connection to animals. Maybe she's onto something too.
Another place that thinking of Duke brought my mind is to the "death with dignity" law that some states have in place. As pet owners, we put our pets to sleep to save them through a life of suffering. We grieve and we send them off knowing that they are onto a better place. We don't let them suffer. So why do we make people who don't want to? I remember reading about a girl who moved to Oregon after finding a brain tumor that was going to kill her, because they had a death with dignity law that would allow her to basically get put to sleep before there was too much suffering. She didn't want to die, but since she was being forced to at least she wouldn't have to suffer. This also got me to thinking about what I would want should I ever be put into that situation.
My initial thoughts would be that I would also want to die without too much suffering on my part but also on the part of my family. The Mormon raised part of me shouts "wait a minute that's not enduring to the end." I don't think it is suicide though, because after all I wouldn't want to be dying. I don't think people who commit suicide are going somewhere different than heaven anyway. After all, they endured to their end.
I know these are a lot of weird thoughts stemming off of one sweet soul getting ready for dog heaven. Thoughts that we won't have answers for until we actually die. I'm okay with that. I have had a lot of those thoughts since I stopped practicing Mormonism. I don't know if I didn't allow myself to think them before since they are weird, or if I just didn't think them because I already had an answer set into place for me and if I didn't I could "ponderize" away.
It has now been more than I year since I left the church. I am still a member on record, but no I don't think I will ever go back. My life is happier since then. When you leave though, you do go through a grieving process. There were a lot of times I lashed out at family members or tried to work my frustrations into a conversation. I wanted to be understood, and I didn't want to agree to disagree. I wanted my family to see and hear the words that I saw that seemed to speak truth to my soul even if it was unpleasant at times.
I feel like I have mostly worked through all of my grief and I am in a pretty happy and content place as far as spirituality goes. I haven't found a new religion to call home and I probably never will. I still feel close to God, although I also include Heavenly Mother in what I believe about God (even though I haven't yet found a way to feel bonded to her, feel like I am talking to her, or feel like I have any kind of relationship with her at all since Mormonism basically teaches you to ignore her because SACRED!)
Every once and awhile I still feel angry about things. Different things. I created a playlist that I love to listen to when I start feeling that way.
Sicily has been very curious about God lately and my faith transition. She like to listen to the songs with me and ask all kinds of questions about what we think the writers meant about the song. In the song "Follow Your Arrow" we talked about what it means to "Follow Your Arrow". After talking about it Sicily told me that she doesn't follow her arrow, she follows her hair whatever way the wind points it. LOL
When we listen to Trash by Tyler Glenn she asked all about him and why the song sounds so angry. I told her that he was gay, so he feels hurt by the churches stance on being LGBT. We have had conversations about this before in our household as we try to create kids who are friendly and accepting toward LGBT people. I feel like Sicily really understands.
Sicily turns 8 this week, which has caused a lot of people to ask us the big question. Will she be getting baptized? The answer is no. Since she was little she has always told us that she doesn't want to and has never ever said that she wants to. We will never pressure her. She is an amazing soul and while I know that she will definitely be someone who comforts those in need of comfort and mourns with those that mourn, I don't think she is old enough to understand that it also means automatic membership into a church that only teaches you the good parts of it's history or teaches the bad but says "God said so." I try to teach her that God is loving. Loving Gods don't command things that are harmful and loving churches don't teach us to obey even if it makes us uncomfortable or takes away our agency.
You might notice that there are still pictures of her in a beautiful white dress. This is because we believe that she is still beautiful and pure and ready to take accountability for her own actions. She is 8 and she doesn't have anything she really needs to repent for and we also don't believe that the atonement is only for the baptized. We also think that the Holy Ghost can and does guide you even if you aren't baptized. So why be baptized? We think it's an outward representation of an inward commitment (kind of like your garments.)
The other day when I was giving Deklan a bath, he was pretending to baptize a sponge. I asked him if he planned to be baptized someday and he said yes. I said, "Into LDS church or somewhere else?" He replied that he was going to get baptized into LDS church because they give candy. Then he added "Good thing I'm not gay." Isn't that interesting that at 6 years old he knows that it would be a problem for him to join the church if he were gay. Being welcome in a church is more than just having words on a building that says "All Visitors Welcome."
Well if you have made it this far congrats! I have had a lot on my mind lately. Some of it weird as Hell and some of it as normal as I get. I am sure I will post more thoughts as they come to my mind with time. It seems I have a lot of questions, but I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.
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